2002
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2002 |
it's saturday.. still rainy and wet.. i feel nauseous and dreams are hardly any comfort from the reality of being where you don't want to be right now. anyway, i've decided, since this is my last post in august to fucking leave it all in august. i'm done complaining about decisions made, regret, loss, and so on. i'm done with it and have to get over my shit before i break. so with that in mind, i'm going to go out, drive fast in mom's mercedes and go to a museum or something.. if i can get out of the house without throwing up. i dj'd last night at this little club here.. it was really fun actually, and i tried something new- used an ipod and 2 turntables.. kinda threw some people for a loop like "what is that?" .. dj's use cd's so why can't i use an mp3 player? its easier than carrying around all the new white labels and unreleased tracks i've managed to get together.. so i played a beautiful set, and i really wish i recorded it.. even threw a cocteau twins track in there over a future engineers record. it was interesting and fun.. got some compliments, which always makes it worth while- that people enjoy your selection. the kids that came on after me literally played the most aggressive shit i've ever heard.. i normally would've loved it, had my ears not been ringing.. so i had to wander around.. ended up splitting around 2, coming back to the crib with a couple friends and smoking out on the back porch and talking about current and past events.. mostly in our lives. i wish i had more friends down here- it would be alot more fun. now i really don't have any reason to visit here more than a couple times a year, if that. i know i won't be back for a long time... i need to get back to brooklyn. and fast.. and begin my autumn anew. adieu.
current mood: sick and tired
current music: kosheen
Hide U
if you were in my heart i'd surely not break you
if you were beside me and my love would take you
i'd keep you in safety
forever protect you
i'll hide you away from the world you rejected
i'll hide you
i'll hide you
i'll hide you
august's killed me. september save me.
another day beginning with that sickening sinking feeling.
always a fun one..
once upon a time at home
i sat beside the telephone
waiting for someone to pull me through
when at last it didn't ring i knew it wasn't you..
i can't say if i'm happy, sad, lonely, bored, busy or everything listed.. i'm going through some kind of dramatic recollection of my thoughts and it immobilized me for a good half an hour as i spaced out and watched leave it to beaver.. fuck the vma's. anyway, this month couldn't have been a more welcome one to be over with. i want fall to come and make my recent memories dry up and crumble away in the wind like the leaves falling on the sidewalk. walk windswept streets alone and in love.
right now its just incredibly shitty in this beach town and i can't think of a worse place to be right now. i wish i were amongst friends, instead of working all day and all night alone and barely conscious. i have a dj gig tomorrow night, i am looking forward to playing records, since i seem to be really good at that, and i haven't spun drum n bass in a long time.. not since the last time i played down here. hopefully i'll see some friends there, if not, maybe i'll make some.. but either way i'm dying to get back to ny and to get immersed back in my life of music and graphic arts.. this g3 laptop doesn't provide me with nearly enough power to do anything.. although i've figured out how to get around alot of the pitfalls and use it to its best ability. just can't push it or i end up rebooting all the time. which is total shit, especially after i've been working on something for a good deal of time.. anyway, it seems like this would be the perfect weekend to finally upgrade my site.. but i realized i left most of my material at home and think instead i'll write more music and sit on the porch and watch it rain.
at least i'm comfortable here.. just not comfortable with my thoughts and emotions. i want to sleep in my own bed, my own room .. and i want to make some drastic changes.. just figuring out what they are currently. i got my hair cut today.. just a trim, so it'll grow better .. so it's alot thinner and is working out well, for the time being.. i miss my curly locks though.. they'll be back in a couple weeks.. the way everything's been going, and growing. so much positivity around me, so many things happening, and this year has just been amazing. the people, the circumstances, the randomness.. the difference between how much i've been blessed, and how much i feel messed is noticeable, and i think once i get back to my routine i'll feel alot better. this past month has been a trial of vast proportions. we managed to finish our recording, get our new releases together for our record labels (for late 2002 and early 2003) and i have a career as a designer which takes up the rest of my time, so 2 weeks of 16-18 hour days, and i still haven't had a breakdown .. it's all going to pay off... already has - i don't have to answer to anyone. thats something admirable.. not to mention i get to work in my underwear most of the time.
i think i need to go away and have some me time for a little while. this week hasn't been too nice to me- no sun, no playtime, nothing i want right now.. i just want to go play pinball and drive some golf balls into the sunset.. tomorrow is another busy day, so i can chalk this week up to a full work week - just someplace else. that wasn't the plan, but things always seem to change.. and i have to take care of my responsibilities. after all, i created them... i can't turn my back on a thing.. and i'm not one to walk away so easily. i keep coming back.
anyway, i wish everything made sense, but right now i feel out of whack and spun to the end.. i've held onto the grass, while lying on my back.. just to keep- from falling off the earth.. and i've had these feelings, which were so appealing, and i thought i felt them first.. but now..
i hope i sleep easily tonight, and my thoughts sleep with me. heartache doesn't suit this young man. there's more sun inside..
current mood: seems so..
current music: billy bragg
A New England
i was twenty one years when i wrote this song
i'm twenty two now, but i won't be for long
people ask when will you grow up to be a man
but all the girls i loved at school
are already pushing prams
i loved you then as i love you still
tho i put you on a pedestal,
they put you on the pill
i don't feel bad about letting you go
i just feel sad about letting you know
i don't want to change the world..
i'm not looking for a new england
i'm just looking for another girl
i loved the words you wrote to me
but that was bloody yesterday
i can't survive on what you send
every time you need a friend
i saw two shooting stars last night
i wished on them but they were only satellites
is it wrong to wish on space hardware
i wish, i wish, i wish you'd care
i don't want to change the world..
i'm not looking for a new england
i'm just looking for another girl
say goodnight, say goodbye, i'll think of you when i'm high...
i know someday you'll be doing the same.
i feel electric.
no sense at all.. these circumstances...
it's midnight and i'm sitting here in the dark in my father's study at their house in va beach.. the rain has stopped momentarily.. i didn't pick the best week to visit, weather-wise, but i have been indoors working for the past 3 days so it really hasn't affected me at all. my mom's passed out watching the princess bride in the media room, and jasons downstairs doing whatever.. i'm going to go outside and smoke a joint on the back screened in porch and listen to the rain drizzle and space out. i need some time to myself and nows the first moment i've had. tomorrow i have to get up and go.. i have to turn in a record by friday- finished artwork, etc and don't have the brain speed to do it tonight. i'm trying to relax.. so i'll go have a beer and put my feet up and drop out. tomorrow i'm getting my hair cut.. nothing drastic.. just some shaping. its grown like 2 inches in 3 months.. like vines.. so i'm getting it trimmed up to make it less of a mess. now i need to prune my brain stems a little.
sunshine.
to you and you and you.
as you wish,
joelthomas
current mood: chill
current music: spoon- girls can tell
nothing lasts forever, i try but it don't seem to show
nothing lasts forever, it's the truth that i don't know
i guess i care too much, cause it means so much to me
i try to take my time but it feels like time has taken me
this vacation has quickly turned into me working in another location. i haven't had a second to do anything i planned- waterparks, go kart racing, imax movies with 3-D dinosaurs scaring the shit out of me.. that kind of stuff. or even to get in the hot tub or dive in the pool.. two of the things i love to do. i have had time to check out a couple bands (after midnight of course, when i finished what i was doing that day) and last night i was out till about 6:00am.. i feel like a million bucks today.. eeek. anyway, i got up and started cranking on yet another thing. when will this end. its great to be busy and to be needed, but enough's enough i think. i have to do another piece for my japanese clients and then finish this album cover .. and then i can go lie on the couch. but you know what.. i think i'm just going to go downstairs and sit in the hot tub for a few minutes to get my mind off of everything i have to do. being here is hard enough, the rain isn't helping my outlook, and i'm literally having the weirdest dreams ever.. i remember the one right before i woke up.. i was driving around in the back of a taxi trying to find this club that was open only during the day and everyone dances in their pajamas.. i ended up getting kicked out of the cab by the second cabby (there were two for some reason) because i didn't think they knew what they were doing and a screaming match began.. so i walked the last few blocks. it was a composite city of toyko/new york, so i had really no idea where i was going, but found my way somehow.. so i went to a restaurant next to the club and ate some pancakes really quickly and then opened the doors to the party and ... woke up.
hmmm. yeah. anyway, i spent some time stoned in target yesterday.. thats always a good way to freak yourself out.. playing with toys, buying cheap dvds, etc.. i got some new towels .. the starck ones.. soft! so come over and take a shower anytime. now i'm just thinking, if this vacation doesn't begin soon (i mean, i only have a few days left) i'm going to be really upset. this whole month has just sucked all around. its been too much on me and the fatigue is literally wearing me down to a crippled emotional, tired crazy type.. but i look sexy when i'm sick, i hear.
so anyway, i'll write something more interesting when i feel better. but for now i can only think of getting back to brooklyn and playing music. i have to dj this weekend.. thats always fun. i played some records last night, first time i've touched drum n bass records in over a month- no time to play and never enough fun, but it actually held my interest for longer than an hour.. and i should've recorded it.. but whatever. this next gig i'm using an ipod to play unreleased tracks that i haven't cut dubplates of. so hows that for technology? easiest way to be a dj- carry two ipods.
current mood: theres no reason for being here
current music: beastie boys- no sleep til brooklyn
nothing left to do but smile..
you're cooler than the other side of the pillow....
current mood: lost
current music: jeff buckley- grace
listen now and never again...
Last Goodbye
this is our last goodbye
i hate to feel the love between us die
but it's over
just hear this and then i'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know
this is our last embrace
must i dream and always see your face
why can't we overcome this wall
well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all
kiss me, please kiss me
but kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
you know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
i'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye
did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
and did you rush to the phone to call
was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
saying maybe you didn't know him at all
you didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know
well, the bells out in the church tower chime
burning clues into this heart of mine
thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
offer signs that it's over... it's over
why do i feel like i'm a victim for making my dreams come true? its life... but how to live it... can you give me insight on how to restore me.. i'm not thinking about that anymore. i'm broken and blue .. and over and out.
i've spent the first day of my vacation in front of a computer trying to complete what i didn't get done before the weekend.. i'm almost done.. and then nothing to do but go home.
current mood: anxious
current music: velocity girl- simpatico
Sorry Again
it will never happen again
is a promise i just can't keep
all alone on the porch
and drifting off to sleep
i change so much this year
but i did it for you my dear
if you let me stick around
i'll never let you down
well i guess that i was wrong
i was mistaken all along
and it's hard to admit its the end
so i'll say i'm sorry again and again
if you wanted to change my mind
you've fallen a bit behind
it'll never be the same
refuse to take the blame
well i guess it happened again
if you didn't already know
sometimes its hard to believe
we've sunk so low
well i guess that i was wrong
i was mistaken all along
and it's hard to admit its the end
so i'll say i'm sorry again and again and again
evan matthew and uncle joel.. we made it through the christening unscathed, and in God's good graces...
current mood: sleepy
current music: the womb of an ipod
coldplay- the scientist
come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart
tell me your secrets
and ask me you questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tales
heads are a science apart
nobody said it was easy
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh take me back to the start
i was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart
questions of science
science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart
tell me you love me
come back rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tails
and coming back as we are
nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
i'm going back to the start
so i made it safely to delaware.. through the garden state's lightning show, through philadelphia and now here in our first state.. jason and i decided to go the pimp route and take the accela high speed train and rock business class. there was like 4 other people in our car and i reclined and listened to beach boys' pet sounds on jason's ipod. he played snood on my g3 laptop. the storm was insane and it was almost apocalyptic looking- speeding along down preset rails to our destination in just over an hour and a half. either way, it was the way to go.. definitely didn't feel like struggling with anybody to find a seat after the late night we had yesterday. after all the nonsense and busyness i've had to deal with all week long i had a nice relaxing hour long massage on late friday afternoon.. i was exactly what i needed after abusing my senses to the utmost this week and practically having a couple breakdowns/breakthroughs in the process. so needless to say i'm going to try and get some more sleep soon. the 1/2 hour meeting with our sales team at our distributor turned into about 2 hours and then we went out with one of the creative people from our music publisher to grab some veggie burgers real quick like before shooting back to brooklyn. only an hour after my massage i was packed to come to delaware, had my records packed and was ready to go to the party.. i had to shave really quickly and ended up wrecking my face, but i definitely do look my best with a couple days of whiskers.. when it gets past 4 days its practically pushing beard status so i had to clean up quickly for this weekend. the party last night was excellent, and thanks to all of you who made it what it was. the worship crew laid down some amazing dub/reggae for 2.5 hours and then a wicked closing house set. zacharia of worship played my 2 favourite wailers songs ever.. "one drop" and closed with natural mystic. the dance floor was completely rocking and the visuals were amazing courtesy of .. so props to everyone for a great evening. it was a stand out event in my mind. and i heard some amazing music and met some wonderful people. lots of smiles.
yeah, so here i sit in my sisters home office typing away on an ibm or something. they're so foreign to me.. the keys don't even feel right. i don't feel like i'm typing what i should be, but i've decided to just write what comes out now and not think about it so much. i don't speak to see my breath fill the air, but i think putting things down permanently is something that i've gotta get over.. its gonna have a shelf life, and when i run for senate someday this shit'll probably come back to haunt me.. or prop me up "he was into blogging when it wasn't even standardized" or whatever. either way, when i'm 36 get ready to vote for me. 8 years.. hmm. i better get on with my life. nothings stopped, and in fact everything's moving so quickly i haven't had a moment to breathe. beginning to take yoga again starting next sunday, at 5pmish in park slope, pre-simpsons, so i'll be blissed out for my sunday evening of television. yeah, so the plans in motion.. taking my vitamins and drinking my protein shakes as well.. in a futile attempt to stay somewhat above the water physically and mentally. i'm just drained at this point.. fatigued and ready to sit around and do nothing for awhile. unfortunately i have too many clients that need too many things done too quickly and am a little burnt creatively. hopefully taking tomorrow to reflect on my past month will clear my head and get me ready for a lovely autumn... when everything changes. i can't wait for the bite of the fall, when i'll be standing on the subway platform, black corduroys and a benneton cashmere turtle neck.. and my lovely new handball sneakers.. they're the jam. they're beige with burgandy trim and stripes. and comfy! now i'm going to go join the taxi cab handball league..
this baby monitor is a really useful device. i heard evan, my adorable nephew who has grown so much in the last four months its ridiculous was whimpering and then started crying and i went up stairs to see what was the matter.. he needed some burping.. and some rocking, so i sat down in the dark, put on his mozart baby music player (i'm going to get him some great classical cds so he can develop an early ear.. this kids gonna be a musician for sure) and watched him fall asleep with his eyes open almost immediately.. it felt wonderful, holding him so close to me i could feel his breath on my neck and it was so simple and i truly appreciated the beauty of being that innocent. still with the angels.. has no idea how complicated life really is. anyway, i thought how wonderful it is to not yet know love, to not be heartbroken .. to not know how grand and crazy life is that making your own choices and reaching for your dreams can actually ruin everything else you've ever dreamt of. but i'm not lamenting. just thinking. and i type just as quickly.. about 110 thoughts per minute.
my mother came up to keep me company while i rocked him and we had a little heart to heart about life love loss gravity... she's really cool and has perspective on how young ladies act and how people mature. i think she knows more than she lets on .. either way, it made me feel better to talk to my mother while holding my baby nephew.. the cycle of life.. i was the baby and now i'm not.. although i need babying. i love that kind of attention. but from the one that i'm in love with. so in the middle of our conversation my sister yells up the stairs, "hey we can hear everything you're saying down here! and you're going to wake up evan!" .. the concerned mother.. evan was already and had already been asleep for a good 15 minutes.. so mom and i said "i don't know about that jackie. .she's a weird one.. and jason and dad, well. they're just jerks.." they caught our whole private conversation.. so i guess it was no longer private.. so mom and i changed evan while he was sleeping, put his little pj's back on with the feet in them and i put him down in his crib.. he started crying again and so i picked him up and walked him around the room a little- he has the most amazing nursery.. the greatest crib i've seen in a long time, all matching bureaus and changing table, and on the ceiling are clouds hand painted by an artist friend of my sister - theres an elephant, a monkey, a horse, a pig, a giraffe, even an armadillo.. and they're all done so well, you really don't notice that they're animals at first glance.. so its peaceful to lie on my back in the nursery and look at the sky with evan and listen to his classical music. so after the changing i tried to put him down again to no avail and then i picked him up and he started tapping on my arm.. i rubbed his back until he passed out again and then seized the opportunity to put him back in his comfy crib.. this time successfully and tip toed out of the room. still no sound on the baby monitor, so i'm going to call it a night. know anyone that needs a nanny?
i'm going to go play state of emergency on the ps2 now on my sister's huge tv.. she has like a game room/workout room in the basement- free weights, nautilus and all kindsa other machines, plus another side that has a pool table, ping pong table, wide screen tv and a karaoke machine.. i'm going to go sing some songs in the dark and drink a yuengling. this full moon was a good one. thanks. tomorrow.. the baptism. i'll give you all the dirt later!
love joel
current mood: peaceful, finally.
current music: bob marley and the wailers- survival
feel it in the one drop
and we'll still find time to rap
we're making the one stop
the generation gap
so feel this drum beat
as it beats within
playing a rhythm resisting against the system
oh-we i know Jah'd never let us down
pull your rights from wrong
i know Jah'd never let us down
oh no.. oh no.. oh no..
they made the world so hard
everyday we got to keep on fighting
everyday the people are dying
from hunger and starvation, lamentation
but read it in Revelation
you'll find your redemption
and then you give us the teaching of His Majesty
for we no want no devil philosophy
feel it on the one drop
and we still find time to rap
we're making the one stop
and we fill in the gap
so feel this drum beat
as it beats within, playing a rhythm
fighting against ism and skism
another long day.. another long night.
current mood: eek
current music: adam f- music in my mind
so take your time
i wonder which cup you drink from, i hope it's mine
so its 1:18 am and i'm done. fucking a. so i have a meeting to get up for. so guess what, i'm going to bed, tonight, on this full moon way ahead of bed time.. which has become 5am lately. i'm setting my alarm for 10, so that means.. close to 9 hours sleep. my dreams are getting more and more interesting.. this will be more sleep than i've gotten all week. i really need some rest. i just looked at my eyes and they're not as full of life as they used to be. i'm going to go put my lavendar eye pillow on them and think about .. nothing hopefully. tomorrow i have a meeting at noon, then another meeting and i have to drop some stuff off by someones office, and then back here to the slope. doing some last minute work from 2-5, then i have a massage at 5 and then a meeting at 6:30. at 9 i have to go to the club. oh yeah, we're throwing a party tonight if you're around nyc come to it. the flyer's right here if you want the info. anyway, i'll hopefully be able to get out of there at a decent hour .. cause saturday i'm planning on going to delaware to hang out with my sister and see my nephew before sunday, when little evan matthew becomes one of the flanders flock .. he's getting baptised, see. so, being the godfather i have to remind myself to go get him a savings bond so he'll have some cash when he needs it.. when he's older. so.. with good intentions and a heavy head i'm going to go and get to bed.
i didn't mean to make that rhyme.
current mood: dazed
current music: the verve- slide away
Slide Away
so take your time
i wonder if you're here just to use my mind?
don't take it slow
you know i've got a place to go
but always do that something .. something i'm not quite sure of
but just for today
let go and slide away
i was thinking maybe we could go outside
let the night sky cool your foolish pride
don't you feel alive
these are your times and our highs
so take your time
i wonder which cup you drink from, i hope it's mine
because you always do that something
something I'm not quite sure of
but just for today
let go and slide away
cause i read your mind
i read it because it takes me where i can find
because you always do that something
something i'm not quite sure of
but just for today
let go and burn away
i was thinking maybe we could go outside
let the night sky cool your foolish pride
don't you feel alive
these are your times and our highs
slide away, burn away
slide away, burn away
i read your mind, i read your mind
cause it takes me where i can find
i read your mind, i read your mind
i was thinking maybe we could go outside
let the night sky cool your foolish pride
don't you feel alive
these are your times and our highs
maybe, maybe we could go outside
let the night sky cool your foolish pride
open up, feel alive
these are your times and my highs
my wisdom level is always dead on.. my passion's peaking. watch out.
i was just in my other room sitting at the computer in there and looked at a picture of my super close friend and business partner, mike, that was taken a few years ago.. happy, healthy, and in front of his recording console that he loved to sit at. a shot taken during a session in philadelphia with my former band rain still falls. regardless, he passed away 2 days into the new year.. i've been grieving all year but just now, on top of all the recent shit i've been suffering through it all suddenly hit me- how much i miss him, how much i relied on him for perspective and honesty. and how i wish i could talk to him and i hope he hears me.. and has some kind of guidance to give from above. any kind of pull in heaven would help me greatly. i can't stop quivering with tears.. i think its about time for a breakdown.
current mood: teary
current music: ..
yeah.. whats their collective fucking problem anyway?
all's fair in love and war until it feels like you're dying to love her.
Lucky you. Another Full Moon in Aquarius, just like on July 24th. Follow the recipe again: Observe what is being revealed and then reassess your program accordingly. Even if colleagues or companions aren't bending over backwards to help, there's no reason why this should deter your progress. Some judicious pruning of priorities and personnel may also be wise.
i just looked at what i was doing, thinking and acting on the 24th and i wasn't happy with any of it. does this mean that this day is going to suck as well? whatever, i'm not good at evaluating anything. nor am i good at observing anything that has to do with my own life.. i'm sitting here in my underwear trying to catch up .. i slept late today and actually more than 4 hours or whatever.. by the time i get done with this week i'll be a fucking wreck. i'm falling apart at the seams it seems.
yesterday was too much- like 4 different projects to do, meetings with 2 clients, my attorney and then band rehearsal till midnight. and then got home and worked till 4 or something. i'm burning out i think. anyway, i think my life is testing me .. maybe i'll win maybe i won't. gotta run.
there's never enough time for anything. for me even. if you have any please send it here. savejoelt.com
current mood: keep moving
current music: reason to believe
time, slow down.. don't run out on me, lord.. speed up, who's side are you on anyway?
if you have a lot to live up to.. what do you hold on to?
tonight, and today, like any other day, has kicked my ass. i would give up if i were a quitter. but i always get what i need when i need it. life's funny that way.. whatever i think i want.. whatever i think... i don't know i don't need it until i have what i don't need or want. i need to be me. thats it. so here i am, exposed. last confessions. but now i'm happy to be alone and just alive. so whatever. this kid is hardly broken .. you want to know what i dreamt about last night? it was about running through hallways of an enormous hotel on the 40 somethingish floor, solo, through mazes upon labyrinths of hallways and passageways.. running as fast as i could.. shouting at the top of my fucking lungs...
now whats that about?
either way, i've had another long day. its now thursday morning. i've had quite a busy day, despite the fact that i've been dealing with being slightly ill for lack of sleep.. but not for the lack of trying. i hope so much for you. i wanted so much for you, i needed so much of you. what was i thinking... love is the reason for living, the reason for trying, the reason for life. done.
current mood: you'll never know how much ..
current music: the juliana theory- love
oh. another 18 hour day...
listen sugar, i'm not hungry for attention when love isn't on the menu.
i noticed if you hold your head in your hands and push up your cheeks you can give yourself butterfly kisses.
i can see your outline everywhere. from the corner of my eye, walking towards me - floating in the spaces between my real vision, my memory and my hope. some kind of sketchy composite that i wish would come into focus. whatever this life lends us i hope it serves to lense us and make my life less blurry.
its 1:23 am and i'm onto another project. this is too much. i've taken on way too many things for one person to handle without a small army of computers and stimulants.. i don't need anything to stay awake, stress is plenty. i have had such a productive day but at the cost of my nerves.. had about a million conversations, a billion emails, and a trillion keys to hit. and everything was completely unrelated shit. so i'm glad i take notes. i had the strangest dreams last night- i don't have the time nor the eyesight to sit through a detailed description of everything, but it was really crazy, trust me. involved being at a club, watching a band, with my friends and a buncha out of line shit happened. but its pretty fucked up that i'm dreaming about recreation. thats a sign i need a break i think. anyway, i started working this morning, blinking into the sun at 10:30am after flopping onto my lovely marshmallow of a bed and staring at the ceiling.. my eyes were too heavy for an eye pillow. they hurt so much. anyway, i slept 5 hours or whatever and got up again.. and now its close to 1:30 and i have to start on something else. ridiculous. but after this week i'll be off for a week and will sit quietly by myself somewhere and hopefully be able to write. i haven't had a chance to play guitar today, and i've been having feelings of overwhelming urgency in my life. like time's a wasting or something.. and its clearly not. i just don't have enough time to waste, so its not possible. every second counts it seems. this day flew by.. it was the morning then suddenly it was night. i've been so stressed lately and my ability to deal with it seems to be faulted. either way, i need to go to yoga again and get my relaxation back. this herman miller chair is my death sentence. can't i just be a musician? i think i'm ready.
current mood: too tiredx2
current music: buzzcocks
No Reply
when i phone you night and day
i get no reply no reply
i keep writing those letters and send them away
to get no reply no reply
i'm bruising my knuckles knocking at your door
i get no reply no reply
i've stood it for so long but can't stand it no more
to get no reply no reply
no reply oh can't you see
no reply it's ruining me
even when I ask the reason why
i get no reply no reply
no reply no reply
sigh. they're just songs.
sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah
make you wanna move your dancing feet now
to the rescue, here i am
want you to know, y'all: can you understand?
when the morning gather the rainbow, yeah, yeah.
want you to know i'm a rainbow too now.
to the rescue, here i am
want you to know, y'all: can ya - can ya understand?
sun is shining, weather is sweet now
make you wanna move your dancing feet, yeah.
but to the rescue, here I am!
want you to know just if you can: here i stand!
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
can you understand me now, baby?
do you believe me?
current mood: stress case
current music: bob marley & the wailers- sun is shining
off kaya - a collection of love songs and an homage to the powers of ganja
you said you'd write.. you're working on it... is it an epic tale? or do you have really great handwriting...
she's gone, i'm gone, i guess thats it. another monday came and went.. and here i sit.. nearly spent. its 1:45 am .. went to sleep after a late night of writing music and working till the wee hours of the morning.. like 4:30 or something .. after i sniffed up some crazy aromatherapy shit my friend sarah made me.. she's the nicest, and knows how to whip up anything to make the soul feel less beaten. i have been broken and blue and i think she could tell... before i had a wicked head ache, anxiety, couldn't focus or relax.. but i finally fell asleep staring at my virgen de guadelupe candle and listening to slowdive.. i know this record inside and out, it sooths me and makes me aware of the blankets surrounding me, and the sheets encapsulating my every deep breath. i want to go to a place where i can scream out loud and noone else will know .. i have been wondering where that place is. its not here.. its somewhere else.. but i don't know. i think i'm just getting out of sync and my phasing is way off stereo. i'm hi-fi at least. so, i got in bed, managed to fall asleep. had some crazy dreams as usual, but this one seemed to make me happy, because i awoke at 10:30 and jumped right up to a sunny day. i have had my shades and blinds down lately to keep the sun out of my room (i hate being awoken to blazing sunlight- unless i'm in the mood to be blinded) .. i removed a huge plant that was in my room thats been with me a couple years, and donated it to jason's new office (he moved) downtown on saturday.. i picked up some plants- a ficus, some ivy.. i'm hoping to make my apartment more lush.. its working. now i have this space in my room where this plant used to be and its a metaphor for lost love.. i've bought a smaller plant.. its not filling the space .. but maybe someday it will canopy my ceilings.
i just got in from a 3 hour rehearsal with the band.. first one since our vacation/recording 12 days ago.. we needed to rehearse badly. but more importantly i was fed up (and everyone else) with the layout of our rehearsal space.. so we literally rearranged everything and its made so much of a difference.. more room for everyone and it just looks a hell of a lot better. so we're all pleased that we did that.. so much that we started fucking around and ended up writing a new tune.. its called "play hooky" because it has the fucking hugest rock hook.. its undeniably captivitating.. its a really fun, upbeat and catchy as shit song.. so the work on the new album has already begun. we've hit the ground running and already have a ton of ideas for new songs.. we still haven't finished the ones from the last few months before the recording, and i've begun to re-arrange alot of them. but this song is definitely the template for our sound - which is all hook laden, driving melodic pop/mainstremo/posthardcore whatever.. it does alot for me. playing.. play time. i'm glad i ended the day working so hard with the guys. now i'm working hard again solo.. we're rehearsing again on wed of course... and we're working on a few more tunes then. we think the writing process will go alot easier now that we've gotten our feet in the water in the studio and know what we want from our sound. so i'm going to go play guitar in a moment and finish what i started last night.. which is satisfying.. finished projects.. this week is busy.. and lonely.. hopefully it will fly by, i'll be too busy to care about anything troubling me, and then i'll be off to delaware to christen my nephew this weekend...
i still have to get him something for this.. any ideas? i'm the godfather.. i told jason "me first, you get the next baby.. i touched him first" .. haha. true though. i held him like an hour after he was born.. jason was a little out of sorts, wandering around the hospital room and taking photos of the gear (heart monitors, pumps, beeping things, etc).. i don't think he was settled enough to hold him.. so you know, you don't touch a cookie and put it back right? so i got dibs on this one.. evan matthew is under this uncle's territory.. anyway, i thought i had more to write about.. its almost 2am.. 15 hour day and i'm not done yet. who said working hard isn't satisfying? i think its lovely to get what you want from putting in the time and effort to make it happen. i wasn't handed anything.. just the aptitude and attitude to go for it. yeah.. ok.. that was me psyching myself up for tomorrow. i have to have purpose.. haha. now i can't get this fucking new tune out of my head..
current mood: cerulean again
current music: ...
i'm sorry,
so sorry
that i was such a fool...
i didn't know
love could be so cruel...
you tell me mistakes
are part of being young
but that don't right
the wrong
that's been done
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
so sorry
so sorry
please accept my apology,
but love is blind,
and I was too blind to see.
you tell me mistakes
are part of being young
but that don't right
the wrong that's been done...
i'm sorry,
so sorry
please accept my apology
but love was blind,
and i was too blind to see...
sorry
and i here i sit, sniffing my guilt from 2 cottonballs...
current mood: less..
current music: coldplay- trouble
Trouble
oh no, i see
a spider web, it's tangled up with me
and i lost my head
the thought of all the stupid things I said
oh no what's this?
a spider web, and i'm caught in the middle
oh i turned to run
the thought of all the stupid things i've done
and oh, i never meant to cause you trouble
and oh, and i never meant to do you wrong
and oh, well if i ever caused you trouble
oh no, i never meant to do you harm
oh no i see
a spider web and it's me in the middle
so i twist and turn
here am i in my little bubble
singing out, oh i never meant to cause you trouble
oh, i never meant to do you wrong
oh, well if i ever caused you trouble
oh no, i never meant to do you harm
they spun a web for me
sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby
edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
through the middle of my soul
i'm affected catabolically
its sunday.. i have tons of work to do- i took fri and saturday to regroup and what not.. got some sun, played a little, slept a little, nothing too great or too bad.. somewhere in the middle. . i know my house is clean, so thats a plus. i bought a bunch of new clothes yesterday- benetton, a pair adidas spezial handball sneakers that are bad as shit and comfy to match, some purple towels, gucci envy, new purple shower puff, some new slacks for my nephew's christening this weekend.. i have to go get him something .. i'm his godfather and he's the cutest thing ever.. my sister calls him the emperor because he runs the house! funny.. he'll have everything his heart desires. he's precious.. i took a lot of photographs this weekend too.. perhaps when things die down a little and i'm not sitting here 19 hours a day i'll have time to get the new site finished.. no hurry though- this one is still working, albeit i'm sick of looking at it. whatever- this shit is for me anyway, i'm glad you read it though. i don't seek validity, nor an audience, just some understanding.
i've felt kinda blank to everything lately and i hope it doesn't last. the autumn is coming and i want to feel the air, enjoy the change and expect nothing and everything..
current mood: numb
current music: lifetime- jersey's best dancers
i can't think of anything i'd rather do than have my heart be broken by you...
be courageous, be hilarious, be yourself.
its been 8 days. so much for going to bed.
thinking of things past. music keeps coming to me.
Love Letters in the Sand (Andy Williams)
On a day like today
We pass the time away
Writing love letters in the sand
How you laughed when I cried
Each time I saw the tide
Take our love letters from the sand
You made a vow that you would ever be true
But somehow that vow meant nothing to you
Now my broken heart aches
With every wave that breaks
Over love letters in the sand
Now my broken heart aches
With every wave that breaks
Over love letters in the sand
its 1:30am and i'm listening to m.a.s.h. on the tv.. just walked in.. had about 10 things to accomplish today since 5pm, and it involved running all over manhattan.. had a nice dinner with my brother and nick and then hit a bunch of places we needed to go. ended up at halcyon listening to some tech house and wondering why i wasn't in bed yet, considering i've been up till 5:00 or later the last 3 nights in a row. i'm going to try and go to sleep now and get up early tomorrow. the heat in the city is fucking disgusting, and i'm glad as hell to be home, showered, shaven and sleepy. i forgot i took a b-complex stress vitamin today and i think i should keep taking them more regularly.. my brain doesn't feel as fucking nuts as usual. anyway, i've been consumed by my own thoughts lately, can't shake this creepy feeling and wish things weren't so drastically different. i'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend. i was going to go to the x-games with my brother in philadelphia for the weekend, as one of the bands that he signed is opening the show, but i think i will stick around here and make up for some lost time with myself. my bed's looking at me with a wink and a nod. gotta go.
clap your hands say yeah
love joel thomas
current mood: lovely
current music: elvis
25 years today elvis presley passed away.. rock on.
it's been a lifetime now since i've felt your walls surrounding me..
its so much nicer than it was yesterday.. the heat has subsided a tad but its still hazy and hot out.. i just skated to the bank, post office, other errands.. and i'm drenched and sitting in my boxers in front of the a/c.. its 4:45.. where'd the day go? oh yeah, i slept a little later than normal. anyway.. i was skating down the street and this kid with huge eyes come running up to me with a skateboard and goes "can you ollie?" and i said "sure!" and popped a cute little one over a manhole cover.. it was one of those moments in time i'm sure i'll remember. just like music takes me back to places in time when my heart wasn't wrapped so tight. the molecules are beginning to lift a little. listening to the lifetime seven inches and its reminding me of my later years in high school. and how much of a shaping period that time was in my life- new friends, girls, shows, fights, stupid shit... petty stuff, but i have fond memories .. and kids are going through all that drama right now. i'm glad i've grown up and away and out there.. i'm still recovering from last night, but the skating helped get my mind of work for about an hour and i have a meeting at 10pm in the city.. i've been there more than the entire summer this past week because of meetings and there's too many things going on as usual.. so, smog advisory.. i thought that was la? pollution.. i'm not feeling polluted.. i'm drinking a banana/orange juice/crushed ice/protein powder (no carbs) shake and loving it. perfect way to get a little energy before i boogy out for another 4 hours. tomorrow, i chill.
current mood: cooling down, cooling out
current music: lifetime
Gone
i believed in you, i believed what you said
i believed when you told me you would never change
but before like a knock on the door
i heard you coming and i played like i wasn't home
no need to try and remember why
because the good old days weren't always good
now that you're gone i'm not so sure
but at least i won't wonder anymore
you're gone, i know i can't believe in you anymore
i can't believe the things i hear
it seems that my friends have all disappeared
why can't you ever be straight with me?
why can't you come back to me?
can't stand the way it was.
i just got in.. it's 5:15 am and i've spent the night listening to all school hip hop in a williamsburg lounge.. so many cool people.. i managed to roll a joint under the table and lit up around 2:30.. i spaced out to tribe, biggy, and so many old hip hop shots and soul jams.. it was fun. .and the girls were cute. anyway, i've had a few stella's .. you're a star.
there's a girl that was there that reminded me of someone that i loved.
current mood: early
current music: special ed- i got it made
my life lately has been a slippery spinning waterslide.. a whirl of ins and outs, ups and downs, and unexpected twists and turns.. and half in the dark. i just looked at my horoscopes from the past few weeks and they all said the same shit- evaluate your position, keep your chin up, realize that you are only you and people will love you for that, and get a move on. i've felt that i've only known half the story of whats been going on with myself for a while. i'm trying to tap into everything else, getting ahold of my heart, instead of ignoring my feelings and my fears and continuing the path i have chosen without the love that i need. i am opening my eyes, taking a breath, and waiting for the autumn. summer's been over for me for a while.. and fall is coming quickly.. i can't wait to rock my great sweaters. i want to finish this wonderfully weird year with a different and positive perspective. i've never doubted myself.. but i know i'm too attached to the things i love. with me love lasts forever.. how about you? do you lie awake at night wondering what went wrong?
i'm going to have dinner with a couple of beautiful friends in a little while.. a late one at an incredible thai restaurant in williamsburg... and we'll have some sake.. talk. i have alot to say. hopefully i won't be up working so late tonight. 5:30am is ridiculous.. either way i've been typing in this thing too much lately.. and i have been working too much lately, yesterday was 19 hours, the day before that was similar.. i'm meditating on being places i need to be, instead of in front of a computer, being creative on a schedule. i'm working for a couple huge clubs, a popular upstart fashion designer, and a bunch of record labels.. and they all keep me busy as hell, and not to mention that i have my own things to do.. spread thin? i noticed i lost some weight. and i don't mean her. i mean literally, i've been working so much lately and sleeping like shit. my dreams are telling me to slow down... so i'm taking a week and a half off in september to go to los angeles and san francisco to chill and listen to music. and.. whatever.. its lovely being lonely.
current mood: on and on.. on and on..
current music: sense field
Weight Of The World
you try to run just as fast as you can,
but hurry they're getting close
you run out of breath from you fighting their hands
they're tearing at your clothes
you try to look for a place you can hide
but there's no room left in your mind
you see a friend who's just standing in line,
to help you get out in time
waiting, watching over you....
just leave all your things,
to take you away from
the things that you knew before,
beautiful boy, carry the weight of the world,
beautiful girl...
we'll turn your nightmares back into dreams
first you've got to close your eyes,
then you'll get another chance to redeem
but they'll recognize your disguise,
we'll have to back to that moment in time,
when you couldn't see the light,
the night it took over your body and mind,
without an end in sight
waiting, watching, over you...
just leave all your things,
to take you away from
the things that you knew before,
beautiful boy, carry the weight of the world,
beautiful girl, nothing's the same as before,
beautiful boy....
you're tired of running so you turn to fight,
it's you up against yourself,
now you can see in your eyes there's a light,
a love that you've never felt...
take you away from
the things that you knew before,
beautiful boy, carry the weight of the world,
beautiful girl, nothing's the same as before,
beautiful boy....
thanks xo this relates way so much to how i'm feeling right now. hopeful.
my brain is still on vacation.
show me your weakness
i’ll paint you mine
these colors are running
into my eyes
all over me
can’t wash my hands
clean of this everything
still I can point my finger to alleviate the pain
this time
i am the enemy
for standing silent sources scream to say i’m silent
though you can throw me down
i still fall away
your theory’s breaking down
i can count the ways
impatienly waiting
the time still flies
outside is breaking
the inside knows it’s what you want..
it’s what you need..
without facing it
fail to recognize your fear that runs inside
its mine
i am the enemy..
for standing silent daggers reach to pierce the silence
to be imperfect
to be misunderstood
to be this perfect
for standing silent sources scream to say i’m silent
though you can throw me down
i still fall away
your theory’s breaking down
i can count the ways
current mood: live and learn
current music: killit™
if i die, know i thought the world of ya..
hmmm.. its hot as shit once again and i'm sitting here, in my boxers in front of the infamous ac that blows hot air on me. i'm considering taking my work up to the laptop g3 in jason's dark cave of a house and space out there and play ps2 and shit.. i have too much work as usual. i was up till 5 something last night and got up at 11 today.. completely exhausted.. what is it? wed? this sucks. i want to go to a waterpark.. and hit some serious motherfuckin' slides. and dreams can come true... so maybe i'll do that this weekend.. i am gearing up to pay some bills today.. i feel totally disorganized and shit like i need to take care of this stuff way ahead of time. time is no friend of mine.. its never on my side at least. always racing somewhere it seems to do something on someone elses deadline. but i can't complain- i get it all done and can try and sleep late.. but this heat is so oppressive and disgusting. i am going to go get a water ice.. grape and lime .. lime on the bottom. its yummy, and it should make my day.. killit™ has our first photo shoot tonight.. i wonder if we're ever gonna play a show... all in due time i guess. haha.. well, we're going to lineup some gigs after we fully finish the recording- so we can focus on one thing at a time. we're all spread too thin with our real jobs, the last thing i need to stress me out is my play time .. which is when its time to rock. anyway- listened to the recording.. still happy with it.. nothing's changed. i feel like i should write something else, but this is all i'm thinking right now. .and that i need to clean my house again. keep myself sane and somewhat coherent.. oh yeah.. so i have to go to the city and do this photo shoot around 11:30pm.. i shaved so i don't look like a fucking maniac. not that i'm not. thinking about waterparks.. and being wet.
current mood: burning up for your love
current music: madonna
i'm done with my work.. 5am. only a 19 hour day? jeez. anyway. i'm going to sleep late and continue my insane dreams.. it will make a great book someday.
i wrote one of those emails i wish i could take back. now i'll go write my name on the windows with little footprints as i sigh on the glass. i wanted to believe everything i heard, saw, touched, tasted. and now its acrimony sits on my tongue like the bitter lessons i was taught. my idealism is too much and gets the best of me. and now i feel like i've ..lost the best of me. to that idea, maybe it never even existed. but maybe in my mind, my time, and my reality. ok. sigh. tip toe. glass is slippery.
i'm falling in love with your x's and o's.
i'm a biter. and a licker.. and a kisser and lover and holder and hugger. and .. a bunch of other things that i've been told. so live like you love. i am living incredibly.
current mood: steady
current music: notorious b.i.g.- ready to die
...in mansions and benzes, givin' ends to my friends and it feels stupendous..
i'm gonna get free
i'm gonna get free
ride into the sun
she never loved me
she never loved me
why should anyone?
so it turns out the fire in the sky i witnessed on friday night was part of a meteor shower- right on. happened to be looking the right direction.. you can read about it in the taipei times .. like i read it- every day.. so i did those tasks i mentioned below there and i got in and its fucking hot as shit. i'm taking a car to the city- i can't get on the subway, truck my ass around and not expect to get sweaty as hell. i picked out my outfit for the evening though- black mooks cords, rod lavers, cerulean ben sherman button down.. it'll be chill. jason said i had to look nice, otherwise i wouldn't give a shit, but hey.. i'm listening to him. he's gonna get me laid. hahaha. anyway, i dropped my stuff off at the laundry, did the salvation army bit, got some money out at another bank and made a sammy.. then picked out records and managed to find, next to each other, like one of the last trip hop/lounge sets i put together from like 4 years ago. i just grabbed all those records and its mostly labels like mo wax, cup of tea, sweet mother, ubiquity, and other derivatives.. should be an interesting set. i think i'll even mix it. umm. so i better actually do some work before i leave. i have someone actually waiting for something to be finished. i'm needed.
current mood: still dreamy
current music: snooze
happy chinese valentines day..
its so fucking hot its ridiculous. as i usually say, its not the heat, its the humility.. either way, i'm getting ready to go drop off my laundry, donate some things to the salvation army, and i was planning on making the 12 block+2 avenue block treck to my local citibank, but just clicked on the news and realized the heat index is over 100.. fuck that.. i'm going to put on some trashy old liquid sky pants and rock the shit out of the 2 block radius near my house. i have the a/c at full blast, and considering there's only one setting thats pretty rocking and the vornado that tore into my leg a month ago is safely blowing air around the room.. its peaceful here.. for the first time in days i've had the place to myself, since i've had one of my best friends from virginia staying with me the past nights..
eek.. i just got off the phone with my brother, and it turns out that nick and i are djing tonight- opening for, get this, bbmak .. at this really great club i've always wanted to dj at, or even check out (its kinda high-fashion shit) called lotus.. anyway, we're playing from 7:30-8:30.. dj primetime baby! so i gotta pull out some downtempo records and really chill background music suitable for drinking. whatever. i have a meeting at 6 at billboard magazine and then dinner, and then this gig.. and then at 10 i'm going to see my friend michael simone perform at the living room on the lower east side.. so its a jam packed night of fun.. oh yeah, and of course at some point i have to get back here to my home and get a shitload of work done. i was up till 2am last night, working for clients in tokyo, as its 3pm at that time for them, and they like what i do and i don't want to lose the account, so i push myself hard to get things done in time. its better to be busy than to be bored, i think. although i haven't been bored in the 6.5 years i've lived here. honestly.. i don't think there's been a single moment where i've had absolutely nothing to do. sure, i ignore what i have to do, but thats cause i know i'll get it done later, and still on time.. so i hit the ground running really fast yesterday, managed to burn out by midnight, had a bit of a panic and then i took a valium and lied down and woke up around 5:30am to find my lava lamps still on and a couple candles still burning... my religious ones- virgen de guadalupe, san miguel, etc.. i like them and they're comforting to have on. i have had really weird dreams the last two nights- all anxiety dreams, but thats another day and another story. right now i have real things i need to worry about. i'll tell stories later.
i think i'm going to finish this stress-b (lemon-lime + b/st. john's) vitamin water and hit the asphalt to get rid of these 2 bags of clothes. and then i'm sure i'll come in, drenched and thankful that i leave the a/c on all the time and keep the windows shut. for a little mofo it does a pretty good job. and then i'll shower and shave and make myself pretty.. and then pick out some records, finish my design work and boogy to the city. i have 4 hours.. lets do this.
feeling better already... thinking about my vacation. and everything else.
don't you wish the orange stayed forever?
air is excellent and far from polluted
my head is out there and nearly dilluted
current mood: dreamy
current music: the smiths- strangeways here we come
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope no harm
Just another false alarm
Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm
So, tell me how long
Before the last one?
And tell me how long
Before the right one?
The story is old - I know
But it goes on
The story is old - I know
But it goes on
Oh, goes on
And on
Oh, goes on
And on
current mood: slow down
current music: reason to believe
i had the window open in my living room.. i was just chilling and a ladybug came and sat down next to me on my couch.. i think thats pretty auspicious. anyway, we're still chilling. smoking a bowl.
im sick of it.. im sick of empty kisses
i lifted this from my friend sng's site.. i thought it fit the week perfectly. i have had a really weird, wild, fun and tumultuous time.. so i begin again. start as you mean to go on.
AQUARIUS for week of August 1st
Whether you're male or female or transgender, straight or gay or both, the next seven days will be Learn to Be Your Own Wife Week. And what's the best way to celebrate this turning point in your relationship with yourself? Renounce all your yearnings to be waited on and cleaned up after. Divest yourself of every last deluded wish that one day some special person will come along to magically understand and attend to your every need. Pledge that from now on you will be a connoisseur of taking care of yourself. (PS: If you earnestly undertake this heroic transformation, you just may stir up a fresh delivery of love from a non-wifely type of person.)
hmmm.. yeah.. so i spent the entire day cleaning my apartment and re-arranging my drawers and closets.. i feel so much better about coming home and realizing how much dust is in here.. so i cleaned it from top to bottom.. now i'm in the mood for some spinach ravioli and a joint. so email me one, or both.. better make it both. the simpsons are on tonight, of course, so i have that to look forward to as well as home movies on adult swim.. i've got this crazy sunday night that happens every week- i order in and sit on the couch and do nothing but watch the tube until about 1am and then i work (get on a jump on the week so to speak) until 4 or so.. tonight the plan remains intact. stay on target.. so i think i'm going to switch the interface over to the new look shortly and then just switch out shit and archive the old sites.. i have alot of photos i want to put up in various "galleries" and some of my more recent design work that i've been itching to share with people.. since i never even get to see them printed (i always forget to ask).. so i'm making a point of archiving alot of the work i've done- i have over 6 years on cd's .. but i'm not going to go back that far.. you can buy the book. anyway, i'm going to put the last 2 years of highlights up shortly. all with the new site.. so perhaps by the end of the week or something something..
my bathroom is looking really chill right now.. i love how the sun hits the window.. makes my fucking day. i just realized that whatever whenever i have children they're going to be little shits with terrible mouths. but thats ok. i'm sure it's a way off and only after i've realized all that i can as a young person. i have all the time in the world to be older later. i just went on a walk and it does the brain good.. i need some b vitamins, but thats a whole different story. friday night was a little fucking great.. my band tripped out on a dock and bonded.. it was .. great.. i think i saw about 6 shooting stars that night. one lasted about 10 seconds.. must've happened millions of years of go- it was red and slow, but really bright.. and we all know about the red-shift and olbers paradox, right?
anyway, i was a bit of a spaz, a philosopher and brosif that evening. it was a perfect way to cap off the weekend.. i'll post some flicks from the studio later.. there's some pretty good ones.. and i want to remember it all. i have too many photos, but thats a good thing. i'm glad i've been writing (or typing) everything down in here, because before 2001 i can't remember shit. and i think thats a good thing too.
current mood: better than usual
current music: red house painters
Have You Forgotten
I can't let you be, cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets,
like an angel from a bedtime story
and shut out what they say,
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around,
somehow they feel up and you feel down.
When we were kids, we hated things our parents did
we listened low to Casey Kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice,
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and October leaves cover everything.
Have you forgotten how to love yourself?
I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say;
they're too dumb to mean it anyway
When we were kids, we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools and Christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes
Have you forgotten how to love yourself?
its amazing how quickly you can destroy 6 months of letters and photos.. papershredders and magnetic drives make everything so easy. i can't believe i'm supposed to be the one that did everything wrong, when i'm simply motivated and have to continue with my course. someday, which i don't care if it ever comes there'll be the realisation that you killed it. and it'll be fine- much like this lotus flower, i'll keep floating- my head above water. the love of my friends and their care and support is the water i float on and the air i breathe. bitterness, jealousy and rivalry are not positive things and i don't need them in my life. i'm smiling through all this bullshit.. because i don't need your kind of gravity. thanks for the keys back- and thanks for the other thing- i gave it to the garbage.
current mood: too much to care
current music: dag nasty- can i say
Values Here
what'd you say
when I said we'll be here through tomorrow
in my heart and in my head
fear of failure
fear of reprimand
two big problems
I've never had
I never doubted what I had inside... what I have inside
values here in my heart
and we'll be here through tomorrow
every day's a brand new start
fear of failure
fear of reprimand
two big problems I've never had
I never doubted what I had inside... what I have inside
fear of failure
fear of reprimand
two big problems I've never had
I never doubted what I had inside... what I have inside
so its friday night in avalon nj.. circa 10ish.. listening to our recording from the past few days.. still very happy with it.. so, it hasn't faded yet. the boys and i are just chilling tonight and getting loud. rolling out the past and rolling in the new. we have 2 cases of yuengling and i think we're going to end up at the beach at some point. .. prolly doing the "i love you man..." thing.. so leave your cell phones on.. you'll be getting some calls at all hours. thanks for the love letters. i have a drawer full of paper cuts to sift through. can't wait to get home.. of course, i'm kidding. why does music make itself apparent to me when i need it?
current moodc: lets rock
current music: michael simone- sick
numbing the pain of my dreams..
someone save me
someone change me
confused too much all the time
i'm trapped alone inside my mind
oh save me
someone change me
tonight
somehow i'm just tattered and torn
about this dream called love
my body is weathered and sore
and prays for someone
just to feel some arms again
someone i really loved said some really fucked up and hurtful things to me and i guess our connection is lost. such things make my heart heavy and i seek a light head.. i just came in from a 2 hour drive home from the second of two 12 hour days at the studio, trax east, in new brunswick.. we totally worked our asses off and came out with a 5 song recording that totally fucking rocks.. we're spending time doing the vocals properly at a different studio that will allow more flexibility in the hours that we can record and really really put everything we have into the vocals.. because the music is totally on point and just blazes.. it takes off.. i'm really happy about it.. i just sat outside on the deck, looking at the bay, peeking up at the stars, and popped on the ipod and zoned out for 25 minutes.. i was really really amazed at how great everything came out- the recording is comparable to a major studio (this is the same studio that lifetime, saves the day, nora, snapcase, and a million other top notch bands have recorded at so this guy knows what he's doing) and sounds really huge. i couldn't believe how excellent everything's turned out. such a productive 2 days creatively for such a hard mess of turmoil in my heart and emotions. i'm drinking some blue stuff with rum in it, typing, as i look out over the bay.. everyone else is sleeping.. i'm working, of course.. i work hard for everything and it seems like i should feel i don't deserve some level of happiness and contentment at any point.. i feel really deeply hurt and unloved and its something that i guess i'll have to learn to get over. i mean, after all i'm too busy to have feelings, right?
but you.. keep moving- with the rest of the world. i won't ever be average, or normal. i can't. i don't know how. i can't be sorry for being me.
current mood: relentless
current music: minor threat- look back and laugh (b/w sensefield- the fun never ends)
Look Back and Laugh (and i'll think of you)
i want to tell you a little story
'cause it makes me warm inside
it's about some friends growing up
and all the things they tried
i'm not talking about staple shit
they went for something more
i guess it was too much dreaming
too much to hope for
one day something funny happened
but it scared the shit out of me
their heads went in different directions
and their friendship ceased to be
i'm telling you i want it to work
i don't like being hurt
something's not right inside
and i can't always out it aside
what can we do what can we do?
i guess i make too much shit
someday we'll look back and laugh
mr. present go away
come and fuck with us some other day
mr feelings, run and hide
you have no right to what you feel inside
motherfuckers, quick to kiss
talk your shit but don't fuck with this
all i want to know is
am i holding on? am i moving on?
what can we do what can we do?
sigh.
@-
>--
Fun Never Ends
back then
we wished that we were older
waiting for the summer
everything was new, when everything was fun
she would come over and slip into the water
i wonder if she knew that she was the one, everybody wanted,
every night she haunted us in our dreams then you wake up all alone
all's fair in love and war, til it feels like you're dying alone
tears turn to waterfalls but I I'd taste tears over nothing at all
now, we wish that we were younger
that feeling of the hunger, to want to try everything and anything we want
frustration and the anger, never thinking of the danger
or how we'd make it through- never thinking someone won't
all's fair in love and war, til it feels like you're dying alone
tears turn to waterfalls but I'd taste tears over nothing at all
the fun never ends
fun never ends,
the fun never ends
til you bury a friend, til you bury a friend, til you bury a friend
now, we wish that we were younger
that feeling of the hunger, to want to try everything and anything we want
frustration and the anger, never thinking of the danger,
or how we'd make it through
never thinking someone won't
all's fair in love and war, til it feels like you're dying alone
tears turn to waterfalls but I'd taste tears over nothing at all
fun never ends ... fun never ends ... fun never ends
til you bury a friend, bury a friend, bury a friend
...bury me at make-out creek.
we like to know that we've wasted
time enough for two of us
...while we chased it..
singing in solitude
xo joelt
its almost 11am, and i should've stayed in the hot shower for a bit longer- it was beginning to melt the ice crystals that had gradually formed over the night, having slept next to an industrial air conditioner in this motel in north jersey. i haven't plugged the computer into the phone line, and i've just decided to write this off line cause i don't know when i'll get the chance to upload it.. i have a lot of work to do today, and i'm dreading checking my email in case someone wants me to do some more.. so we've spent the last day in a recording studio called trax east in south river nj, working on our first killit™ ep (yet to be named, but we're thinking "killit quits the band" because one of us is either kicked out or quits each week precisely).. anyway, we spent sunday night, monday and tuesday in absolute beach goers bliss, swimming in the bay, cooking out, drinking, working on tunes.. just enjoying the summer.. we woke up at 9am yesterday and drove 2 hours north to this studio and began to work. it took us 5 hours to track 5 songs all the way through (drums is all we cared about the first round) then nick went back and made sure all the bass lines were tight as shit, and then it was midnight.. day flew by.. so, now its as i said, almost 11 and i quite literally just woke up 15 minutes ago.. the wake up call was on one of those old school phones with a BELL in it so there was no real way to ignore it, and when i realized how nice it was out i couldn't stay in bed.. the sun's shining through the window, and i'm sitting cross legged on my super uncomfortable bed.. mental note: never sleep on a sealy executive hotel sleep system again. make sure it's a fluffy bed, not one of springs. yeah. so it took me a few to fall asleep last night, i've had so much on my mind and have been under a lot of pressure.. and now its all heading up with this recording.. everyone's done with their overtracking except me and matt.. matt does his guitar first, which should take an hour or two, then me which should be the same, and then matt has to go back and do all the vocals, and then i have to do the backing vocals.. so i need some breathe easy tea to say the least.. the crystals are starting to reform.. regroup inside my lungs and i need to blast them out. so, last night after we were done with the session we managed to find a denny's and i had a really overcooked boca burger and some orange juice.. and nick spilled his orange juice everywhere.. the waitress gave me a whole caraff because she saw how helpful i was (i got up and cleaned that shit up).. otherwise the whole table would've been sticky, see.. but the waiters were hardly on the ball at 2am last night... anyway, no worries.. so, i am about to get online and hopefully be able to delete half my email, not respond to a third of it, and ignore the rest. there's only one email i care about anyway. i have to stay focused.. today is going to be a long day.. then we drive back to the shore and relax for the rest of the weekend.. thats the fun part.. anyway- its sounding really really good, and i can't wait to finish. i'm excited. i wanted to hope you're excited for me.
current mood: ...
current music: killit™
someone is in the other room, poking away at the piano and someones attempting to join him on the guitar.. one is out of tune.. the breeze is coming through the house like a natural mystic, and i wish i didn't have a thing to do today but go to the beach.. unfortunately i still have a career and have to work, even here when i'm supposed to be relaxing.. whatever, shouldn't take too long- like 2 different things, but i'm pretty quick, so we'll see what happens. i'm not going to get stressed about it.. so i've been having a really relaxing time and i'm glad that we've come down here to goof off and recreate before we spend 24 hours recording starting tomorrow. its given us a chance to regroup and talk about things and work out the kinks in some places. i'm feeling rather calm and i attribute it to time spent on the dock sticking my feet in the water. we've spent alot of time just sitting down there- during the day, swimming, kayaking and flipping into the water from all levels of the dock and pilings (its been fun) and the salt water makes my hair look really really crazy.. we got some beginnings of some nice tans going on here, and once we get out to the beach today i'm sure it'll pick up.. there's a pirates island mini golf course just a block away that i'm planning on hitting up later.. i'll be like "whats parrrrrrrr for this hole?" or something cheesey like that.. yesterday we cruised around, got some pancakes at this place uncle bills, and then drove around to see the miles and miles of houses and beaches in avalon nj.. its gorgeous down here, and has such a different vibe than any other beach town i've been to. the breezes are so enjoyable and the weather is sitting around 75º and perfectly sunny today.. which as everyone knows is the ideal weather (not for the beach, but for chilling)..
i'm sipping my breathe easy tea, i hear jason saying "so what do you guys wanna do today?" in the other room.. we have had a lot of fun.. staying up late, drinking yuengling, rolling j's and looking at the sunset, then the stars and then the nothingness. its amazingly quiet and really serene. i haven't had this kind of open feeling anywhere, or anytime lately and i'm enjoying it.. as we drove around yesterday we went shopping at the local supermarket (it was like a deli and had 5 rows- thats it) and managed to find some great vegetables for grilling.. i whipped up a marinade of teriyaki, 7up, honey and a little spicy peanut sauce and let the chopped veggies (peppers, onions, tofu, brocolli, garlic, asparagus) sit in this brew for a good two hours before i went out to the grill and cooked dinner for everyone.. it was super good and way healthy and i'm glad we all got our vitamins.. made some margaritas and today i think we're getting into the veggie burgers we didn't wreck last night.. i'm hungee now, but since i'm in front of the computer i should probably stay here until everything is completed..
jason and i found the "tv" room of this house and set up 2 laptops on the coffee table and its our makeshift office. he's still working every day, and we have internet access and a fax machine.. thats pretty good for a shore house.. haha. umm.. today i'm going to go out on the bay again and then to the beach.. and then rock some mini golf and then the arcade.. and tonight we're going to work on some song vocal melody ideas and relax as we have to be at the studio by noon and its 2 hours away.. so early to bed.
right now i best get back to work, before i lose my interest in creating anything- i just know the next two days are going to be all music, and i won't have a second to rock anything out on the artwork end. i hope you're all enjoying your summer. august has been absolutely lovely so far.. i hope this trend continues and i can remain happy, aware and confident.. now i think i'll go refill my tea and start with the blank page of every day.
current mood: :)
current music: gorilla biscuits- start today
i'm at a shore house in avalon for the week... taking a break with my band killit™ to clear our heads before we record our first record on wed/thur.. we're having fun.. i have much to write about, but instead i'll just post some fotos and you can make your own estimations of whats going on.. i'm sleepy.. i'll write about what i've been thinking and shit some other time.. for now i have to get back to my nothingness.
flipping, smoking, drinking, thinking, sleeping, eating, playing, being.. driving, smiling, swimming, cooking, rocking, rolling, lying down to go to sleep..
i'm having a really good time.. singing in solitude
current mood: tired from hanging out
current music: led zeppelin- houses of the holy
the world moves too fast for some motherfuckers.. not us..
current mood: yeah yeah yeah
current music: purple penguin
we're throwing a party sat night. wanna come? check:
earthprogram.com
