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full moon on happy halloween.. first one in 46 years and not another till 2020.. and its an ideal evening to go sit on the beach, look at the moon and reflect. i'm so glad i'm not in nyc, but its unnerving to hear the jets flying over head and so low here in virginia beach.. hotbed of naval activity and exercises. it's gorgeous outside today.. mid 60's. more than the weather to talk about.. or type about. i just woke up at 11.. and jumped right up. i am enjoying the time off from working full time, although i have to get started on a project right now... so i guess vacation never truly comes to me. i better get to work.. keep myself busy until jason wakes up and we'll go out driving around the farm land and enjoying the weather. i hope tonight is safe for everyone.
current mood: hopeful
current music: mary j no more drama
i'm all confused.. and can't remember.
i need to start making decisions for myself to make myself happy in the future. not based on what other people think or for their them (or somewhere along those lines) and as you speed off down the turnpike towards whatever you're going to do i can't help but think of what we talked about. i can't get you out of my head. i put something in your food.. fast forward.. wait- don't hang up. i need to ask you something- will you run away with me? yes, in a heartbeat. because i love you. i love you too. bye.
current mood: wishing i had a better memory
current music: none. i'm concentrating.
i've recently updated my software.. next my hardware.. i'm talking about my brain and my body. they've gotta jive. too many syntax errors and a computer can quickly and accurately make mistakes.. just like i can. focus, concentration and clarity is the goal. the endpoint seems like its far away. and i'm nearsighted (not literally) and yes i'm blurry. and the world is .. not all the time, but enough. where are you when i need you? you know, as you read this you're interpreting it in any fashion you choose. i am just writing it as i feel it. its 3:20 am.. i thought i would be tired after being in the car for so long.. now i'm in virginia. djing tomorrow night and the following night and who knows what after that. i want to go hit some golf balls even further south than here and stand around sipping breathe easy tea or some kentucky bourbon.. i'm feigning this sense of security when god knows i'm scared. still my eyes are full and bright.. and i'm wide awake. i could use a hand to hold. yes you can come over and stick your hand in the cage. this kid's playful.
current mood: i think i can sleep.. and my lucid dreaming is a flight simulator
current music: ride- carnival of light
another week another weekend. sunday night/monday morning and i'm sitting in the dark by candlelight and the healthy glow of the monitor. my brain is rattled and i haven't felt like writing much in a couple days. i have been busy reading instead and made a good chunk in herman hesse's narcissus and goldmund. i'm in my goldmund phase of life i think. anyway. more about that later. i'm going to philadelphia for a meeting tomorrow, followed by cocktails with an ex girlfriend and then driving (well.. riding) to va to see the parents. djing a few gigs down there then driving through the south with my brother- sc, nc, georgia.. we'll see how far we make it .. and of course our fascination with fireworks will be satisfied for a while after that. i am in need of this in a big way. a drive.. and a long one at that. time to reflect and project. its 3:45am. why are the nights fast and days slow? i have to get up and go... also someone whose opinion i value told me that i sincerely rock today. that is nice to hear. thanks!
current mood: somekindawonderful
current music: slowdive just for a day
tell me. repeat this to yourself and tell me this doesn't make you cry.
if you leave me now you'll take away the biggest part of me. oooo no baby please don't go.
current mood: o'-'o
current music: peter satarah
hold on one second? fuck no. i've held on forever.
if you wanna come over .. i mean, if you're not too busy thinking about >not< me. i'll be sitting here licking the salt from my face and pretending to be busy. i already gave you my pitch. thats it. i can't stop smiling and i don't know why i'd want to anyway.
current mood: salty
current music: the songs are on the inside. and when you hear them it'll be on the fucking radio.
you know how to hang up in such a way that it gets to me. my voice half-whispered.. meditating on the sound of your voice resonating it through the electric wires, above the treetops and below the asphalt. i think there's something in my eye.
current mood: till i say when
current music: all "shes my ex"
up again. mada okiteru. 3am.. i wonder if i will ever be in bed a reasonable hour? now that i've discovered good late night television i like the zoning out time. and sitting here with my mouth wide open and my eyes glazing over... its lulling me to sleep.. i am stoned again. half baked is on for like the 500th time. and i'm watching it.. all the way through..
current mood: hopeful
current music: real life "send me an angel"
its says N.L.#5 X in blue and "hawaiian" in green. i'm screaming. anyway.. its just a clear cube. an ordinary cube. typical. but i like the insides. much like i take to strangers but the other way around. outsides first. i think i am a sweet kid and really outgoing.. just wonder where the line is between interesting and fucking weirdo. anyway.. 5 stella artois's later and i'm feeling fine with the skin on my fingers torn to shreds from rocking too hard at a 3 hour band practice. we're called "killit™" and yes, we do rock for real. you'll see. and these aren't taunting words from a drunk kid. i'm typing pretty well.. and really fast as usual. but verbal quality control has gone out the window at 3:20 am and many drinks/bowls in .. i'm in the deep end somewhere.. luckily i know how to tread water. i'll tell you all about the first rehearsal when the time is right. where are all you lurkers? also, i like galaga. jason's good at it. love joel
current mood: sassy
current music: same as last night. and my ears are ringing so i can't hear the phone.
angularism: is that the magic you are referring to as of late?
earthprgrm: yes
angularism: ok .. good
yes.. that dream was about you. you knew it so why even ask? i felt so much warmth in your arms i never wanted you to leave me ever again. but here i am .. bathed in the light of the monitor at 2:45 am.. and by myself.
current mood: whistful and/or wishful
current music: vannessa daou "slow to burn" .. over and over
there's a hole in the middle of the prettiest life. its 71 out, sunny, and october. things are falling down everywhere. lets do this.
current mood: sunshine
current music: the starseeds
goodbye... forever..........
4 track gash
forever
blood in the tape player.
and thats how my rock and roll will go. man its sunny outside but i'm cloudy on the insides. blurred and empty.. i have enough to do and creativity falling off my fingertips. i have too much desire. breathe it out. walk it off.. i don't know why i feel like i'm never going to be fulfilled. is this the dreary part of being artistic? the emotional backlash.. hmm. i've hardly hit the wall. just need to surround myself with those that love me. i'm outta here.
current mood: i already told you
current music: saves the day "freakish"
..and every girl that i ever hated is just the monster that i created maybe if i close my eyes real tight.. the scary sad things will go away and i'll quit living in yesterday.. i'll forget all the scary sad things you put me through.. and i'll never let a scary sad girl treat me that way..
current mood: yopparatara moto nihongo o wakarimashita
current music: all "scary sad"
this is beginning to get silly.. i work too late. and hang out too much.. and its again 3:30am and i feel tired but will lie in bed and look out the window at the leaves falling in front of the neighbor's outdoor lamp. i see why its called fall. i took a brisk walk at 1:45 to come home .. it was chilly but refreshing and a mist came out of nowhere and kissed my face.. and i felt good. i smiled, either way.. i think october is a good month to be in love. i was of thinking of the inevitable snow and the whispy air that comes with it. and the low pressure systems. i want to live in low-pressure systems.. calm. inside the storm spins around me, i remain unaffected. i want to rock.
current mood: not as happy as i was last night but still pretty fine.
current music: none
Soundgizmo: ashes?
Soundgizmo: they suck
Earthprgrm: high.. so high. i can't reach to you with my step-stool eyes..
Soundgizmo: im soooo high right now
Soundgizmo: as i walked by - i touched the sky with my eyes closed i fell back down - realize, it was just a lie.
Earthprgrm: why
explorer lets you just hit the enter key and voila.. but no.. i picked netscape.. 4 out of 10 joeltjordan's pick netscape for some odd reason. i think to check if my java is buggy? i'm by no means any fucking "web developer".. i mean.. web developer? i just met her! jesus. haha. anyway. 20 spaces apart. my thoughts. i had a long day today. got up early to babysit my brother's house being cleaned (yes we have housekeepers, no we're not untidy.. we just like a thorough job once in a while) anyway.. then i had a ton of work to do, then i got into some hash, then band practice for killit.. man we fucking rock . for real.. you that are reading this shit right now are on the inside track. i am so un-excited about anything except my new rock band.. we really are the shit. anyway, just letting you know. once we have anything to back up my claims i'll put it up here.. oh btw .. we broke 1000 hits. holy shit.. and it only took since like.. february i think? but now i'm like more "active" in this wild world web shit.. and man is it like crazy.. with odd people. and i'm not even one of them. i'm an outsider in the geek web world. anyway.. it's 1:54.. i am way into hash by the way. ummm.. ok.. what did i do.. oh yeah.. i just got done djing at this really great benefit party at astor lounge in manhattan with like 30 other top name djs from around nyc.. i was really psyched.. my brother and i played an hour of some really stand-up proper vocal drum n bass (no cheese please) and some great party music/breaks back into some blissed out atmospheric dnb.. some cats were filming.. i know they got the sweet stuff.. i know it. i wished i recorded it. that would have suited fine for my streaming mp3 section that is non-existant right now. i am going to put up this set of mine from santa fe, new mexico from june 29th this summer shortly.. i'm making sure i don't sound like a jackass .. tonight was really exciting and smooth and gentle.. and everything was wonderful. and i love alot of people right now.. i forget how much i miss being social.. its hard going into manhattan right now. i went from band practice.. after rehearsing for 3 hours with my band.. so my fingers were like spaghetti.. and my ears were ringing of the hook. so i was in the mode of music music music - lets get to it already.. so i was jiving with the selections fully. i'm pretty happy right now. anyway. you could see it if i had my web cam up (which i don't and i have to remind myself to get it set up) .. i could attach my photos to this instead of writing tons and tons of stuff.. you ever get so excited you feel like you're gonna "pile on" the screen .. so many words.. hopefully there was something worth reading. love joel
current mood: you know it
current music: freq nasty
ashes from the hashes...
and splashes in the glasses.. ice ice baby liquah liquahhhh
it suddenly popped into my head.. the site of driving through these back roads in iowa when i was on tour with my first band in the summer of 1992. this vision was definitely from that trip.. it was like in my head as if i were staring at it in a reflection of the car's glass.. seeing the screen as i typed and the action behind it. all green and high the corn stood and there was tons of it. well, acres.. and we drove through it forever. and i wonder why i'm thinking about it.. i think i'm thinking about summer .. and being younger. but i feel i'm at my perfect ideal age for me right now. not too young, not too old, experienced and wide-eyed. i still believe in magic for some reason. and i think its possible for someone to fly .. somehow.. i'm sure someone can do it. hashish is blessed by jah right?
current mood: eyes are crossed. i'm happy.
current music: oasis whats the story...
life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing. i'm 4:20ing at 3:20 and writing. whats this signify? i can't sleep. i met her during a hit in west hollywood. yeah, i smash into people just to meet them. so what. someone has to move into the other side of my bed soon. its getting lonely in here. tell me the reasons.. the seasons are changing and i'm sick of explaining everything .. why can't i just live it. the memories are more impressive and less expensive than living in the future. setting everything up to run itself. so i can finally run me.. without running me into the ground. are you even reading this?
current mood: lushous
current music: can't explain
the sun came out today for another time before he goes to hang out with the southern hemisphere for a bit and give the kids down south some summertime. its gonna be a cold winter, i think. if that little taste of chill was any telling of the season to come. i'm keeping it down. whats up with you.
current mood: yawn
current music: loveburger
the world i know is a world too slow. i'm going on a walk. and breathe in the air fully and with no regret.
current mood: moody
current music: esthero
my iv drip.. why do they save the good stuff for when you can't even dance? my legs feel weak. winter's coming . the sun's setting earlier and earlier. i'm looking forward to taking a trip to spain and france in january with my brother and a couple friends to go to the annual midem conference.. and do nothing but chill in barcelona, puff the hash and sit around and smile. i'm doing that right now.. only inside.. and in brooklyn. its not as sexy. gotta go. the simpsons are on.
current mood: everything's a-ok for now
current music: the dickies "donut man"
p.s. fuck you patt i like my watch.
to you. for you. from me.
this is a true story. it happened last night. we're at a fabulous party of some sorts in the empire state building- for sure. we're near the top floor (if not the top)- having drinks, laughing, chatting, looking out over new york city and having a great time. there's lots of people around us in the dimly lit penthouse - i'm comfortable and happy to be there, and my curiosity over the view gets the best of me. i step near the window, and suddenly someone shoves me or distracts me or something, but either way, i lose my footing.. things start to move beneath me and i feel like i'm falling.. i quickly step inside and lose my balance and stumble towards you. i panic and lose my breath. i begin to completely lose it, but you stop me. you hold me.. and stroke the back of my head.. and you're the only thing that makes it better. you make me feel safe again. comfortable, again. centered. we sit like this for moments and finally decide to leave. i look at you with embarrassment as we take the elevator down. you look so calm and beautiful in the greenish tint of the elevator light. we walk outside into the cool windy streets of the manhattan dawn and feel the air rush by our faces. my tears are freezing to my face and my teeth chatter. a cab picks us up and i lie my head in your lap as we speed downtown and across the manhattan bridge. towards brooklyn. i pick my head up and you smile. i feel wonderful. the cab stops.. i open the door and step out. expecting you behind me. immediately i lose my balance and fall forward onto my face. lying on the ground, with my vision blurred, and horizontally, i see the cab door closing and it drives away. and you're not alone. i passed out in this dream and woke up today with the sun on my face and a lip torn to shreds. this is a true story. it happened last night.
when you only have a pinch left you gotta hold it in. 2:45 am. i thought i was going to go to bed early tonight. i spent the last day getting my head together and today getting my week organized. i actually have to do things this one. like 5 different design projects and we're starting a new party, get with the program, on thursday night. looking forward to it, hopefully i'll have all my work done by then. i doubt it though .. its quite a bit. but i'm always complaining before i get started and then i find it just flows from there. i have been playing with a four track for the past 3 hours seeing what i could lay down from my memory banks of songs i've written over the past month. the other guitarist/vocalist of my band, killit, came over tonight and we worked for a number of hours and made alot of progress. we have like 10 songs written and we've been playing together less than 2 months. so it's coming along quite easily. i wish i weren't here in ny sometimes. although i love my house, my career, my friends (despite what i say) and my brother. and i'd miss them all dearly. so i have to figure out how to get all that to move with the physical me. astral projection isn't all its cracked up to be anymore. and the simpsons are only diverting my attentions for an hour a day. happy war everyone. this is exciting news with a huge fucking side of sarcasm. i'm numb and wish i weren't here. its a shame i feel more creative than i ever have in my life. its like a wellspring that won't stop. even after i put my finger in it. not on it. its cold in here. te wa tsumetai kara kokoro wa atatakai desu yo. anyone want to type japanese at me? no.. i didn't think so. anyway. . its a good time to fall in love i think. its getting cold out. i'm getting cold. this time reminds me of how i felt in 1990 when i met my girlfriend at the time. renewed.. october always breeds something in me that i can't stop. the dying. the slow dissapearance of the warmth of summer segs into the charming bite of autumn. and comfy sweaters. my bed... its looking really really good right now. hopefully i won't have another crazy dream like last night. i stepped out of a cab and passed out on the ground and lied there. the quality of my dreams has dropped drastically. i need some divine intervention. i'm inspired.. i just don't want to be burnt by the fire. i'm standing in it.
current mood: ummm
current music: the cpu fan
here comes the weeeeeeeekend. hooray... lots to do still, had a really busy week. stayed up late every single night and i ache all over. this bubbler's helping me though. i am amazed i can type and watch the simpsons at the same time. i added a pop up thing there of my bedroom. a fun little animation to check out. i keep having ideas of what i want to do with my little space here, but the site'll change monthly.. so i can always do whatever. and will. put more oakiedogs posts up too. for some reason no aoler's can read this so i'm trying to fix that. also i.e.5 for mac doesn't work so great for the software in the photography section. noone knows why. anyway. thats enough. i am so looking forward to doing nothing for the next couple days. i'm going to the museum of natural history tomorrow to check out their new planetarium. it looks bad as shit. for real. anyway. i will lie down.
current mood: pretty damn cool
current music: the simpsons
steps to simplifying my life. sometimes i feel like i am too involved.
speak less, read more
write more music
be alone
more yoga
no more drama
current mood: pensive
current music: kosheen
so much to do. there's never enough time. well, i have everything pretty much up and running on this site, except i need to get my sets up there so you can hear what i'm into. anyway, i'm off to a meeting- today i spent designing, getting this thing to work and writing things in cursive. my hands hurt for every possible reason. i gotta get outside. i'm starting to feel like i'll pass out if another second of mtv swirls by me. wish me luck.
current mood: dizzy
current music: the new deal "receiver"
i've started over. its been a long time coming. thanks for everyone that logged in and saw the same shit since june. its been an emotional and long summer. i've kept it together, and in the midst of all this turmoil have had the urge to be a musician again. got the band together. we're called killit. watch for us. i'm not feeling very clever right now so i'll leave it here. thanks. joel
current mood: iffy
current music: mr. vain
